Translating real estate listings

Like any field or industry, the real estate world has its own phraseology and jargon when presenting its products. The jargon often tries to "bend the truth" while using wording that allows them to get away with it. (I warn anyone without a sense of humour to leave this article, as I write this article in jest!)

So, without further ado, each heading will outline a common trope in home property listings:

Excessive use of adjectives

I don't know if realtors use "flowery language" just to fill a page. I find several "empty" adjectives in listings that try to describe the features of a property. Words like "beautiful", "vibrant" and "stunning" come to mind. All subjective words, the adjectives don't tell me anything hard and fast about the property.

On the other hand, adjectives like "walk-out" as in "walk-out basement", or "ensuite" as in "ensuite bathroom", are OK to use because they describe something functional and practical.

"Close-knit neighbourhood"

In this part of the 21st century, especially in suburban North America, associating with your neighbours has become similar to associating with your co-workers. You associate with neighbours and co-workers not by choice, but due to mere proximity. Most people with properly-cultivated personalities primarily associate with like-minded folk online or in exclusive social clubs.

A "close-knit neighbourhood" is still alright when it comes to infrastructural matters of the neighbourhood (e.g. to set up a neighbourhood watch to look out for thieves who steal delivered packages). It just should not mean "baking cakes for the person three doors down", or "watching a mid-season sports-ball game with the person across the street".

"Don't miss this opportunity!"

This actually means "we are very desperate to sell this property" and "please visit" (to the tune of a politician asking his audience to "please clap"). Everyone knows new homes or new properties get listed all the time. Real estate listings are a dime a dozen.

"Home requires a bit of TLC"

When they say "a bit of TLC", they mean "a lot of repairs". The property is in tatters and requires the new owner to put in a lot of time, money and effort to make it anywhere close to livable, let alone enjoyable. Usually, this involves days (if not weeks and months), the equivalent of a month's pay, plus sweet, blood and tears.

"Open-concept layout"

Rooms with no walls? Do potential buyers actually like this layout, or did they hear that from a cable TV show about home renovations? I kind of like having rooms to delineate what stuff I put, where. Then again, of course a person like me likes rooms.

"Pride of ownership"

Nicely maintained garden? Well, that means "good luck to you, the new owner". Yes, nicely-maintained gardens look nice and will entice almost anyone to buy the property. What the buyer realizes later on is ... that they need to be maintained nicely! Sure, you will have something that looks nice when you move in, but can you keep it that way?

"Ready for your personal touches"

This really means that the property has unfinished parts of the house. The current owners didn't bother finishing those parts so now you have to! They just gave up after rushing into that renovation project because they found that the seller's market was turning into a buyer's market.

"Rough-ins already in place" and "with a potential for (feature)"

Features like a basement bathroom are "ready for your personal touches" but they also might not actually exist! That's just what potential means: it's not actual. A house listing that says it has "a potential for a large deck" simply means it does not have a large deck.

"Steps away from (shops, schools, etc.)"

Real estate listing writers seem to take steps that are 100 metres long. Those are some long legs! When they say "steps away" it really means "kilometres away" or "a few minutes by car". They really want to sell how relatively close something is but will say "steps" because it's not an SI standard unit of measurement.

CAPITALIZING EVERYTHING or Capitalizing Every Word

I don't know why most real estate listings must look like some angry reddit post or some ransom note. Why every word? Why every letter? I've seen some that capitalize words "normally", so what gives?

The "photography"

One or more of the following usually happens with photos:

• Too few or no photos of the property
• Too few or no photos of an entire room
• Too many photos of the same angle
• Low-resolution images (like they used a digital camera from 2003)
• Photographer decided to take pictures of a messy room (not their fault, really)